Loz Witters

2012 has kicked off with several events worthy of the Mayan calendar.

First, I’ve finished the opening scenario to Harreksaga AND ‘The Trees That Ate Yanchi’. So that’s progress. From Yanchi Harrek and his fleet of social workers sail towards Laskal where the Great White Bear has decided its time to make an empire. Well, when you’ve raided everyone, deposed kings, imposed queens, stolen incredible magical treasures and HeroQuested where no HeroQuester has Quested before, what else is there to do? So the next stage in Harrek’s saga – and so the characters’ – is to make an empire out of the recalcitrant Laskali city-states. This means fending off Afadjann, cleansing the Forest of Disease, uniting the cities and defeating the bat-people. This empire-building, its not easy. And Harrek being Harrek, he’s relying on the Argrath to make him look good.

Secondly, and on an entirely separate theme, Design Mechanism launched the RuneQuest Archives on DrivethruRPG. Here we’ve taken a selection of MRQ1 and MRQ2 books (under an agreement with Mongoose) and made them all available for $1 each, or $10 for the Gloranthan bundle of 10 books. Now, most of you reading this miserable blog will already have most of these, but if you don’t, then I urge you to hurry across to Drivethru and make the investment. At these prices there s little excuse not to sample Glorantha’s Second Age and/or the various, exhaustive races books which can be used with any system you like.

Shameless self-promotion over, I’d like to wish you all a belated Happy New Year and promise to keep you updated on Harrek’s rampage across the Gloranthan oceans. After Laskal, its onto Jrustela.

You just know it won’t end well…

So here it is. The RQ6 cover. Its by Pascal Quidalt, a French artist who’s done several superb RPG covers for a variety of books, including some of my old Mongoose books (his Elric Companion, original Cults of the YK and Bright Shadows are amongst my favourite illustrations ever.

Its no surprise that its a homage to the classic RQ cover by Luise Perrin and from the very start I wanted a cover image that referenced one of the best RPG illustrations of all time.

I think Pascal’s done a stunning job…

Harreksaga now finds itself in Yanchi City where the foliage is seriously hungry and the locals forced into a seasonal migration to avoid being eaten. Well, they [i] were [/i] until Harrek arrived…

‘The Trees That Ate Yanchi’ is the latest Harreksaga instalment and, instead of going for cannibalism as its rifforama, is going more for ‘Day of the Triffids’. But there’s also a large slice of ‘righting serious wrongs’ in this scenario, especially when it becomes clear how the peckish plants are being controlled. The characters also get to journey to the Errinoru Jungle. Which is Nice.

Discussing this scenario with some friends in the pub last week, one of them remarked ‘Carnivorous trees. Hm. What would happen if you use the wood from them to repair your pirate ships?’

Its an idea just too good to waste.

On a completely separate yet related topic, Herve Corteau, Gentleman and Jrusteli Scholar, begins his playtest of Harreksaga today. I wish them well and hope they have lots of fun on Mad Igan’s Island. I’d like to post reports on their games here, but that would expose the whole creative process and, of course, spoil the campaign massively for everyone else, but I’ll share what snippets I can.

Harreksaga has reached Teleos, and the section I’m writing is riffing on as many cannibal holocaust tropes as I can possibly think of. Some of the old 30s and 40s Tarzan movies spring to mind, as do all the hackneyed head-hunter images one used to see. I’m reminded of one jungle adventure film I saw where the heroes, captured by savages, witness some their number lashed between crossed, springy saplings that are then allowed to whip free, ripping the unfortunate sacrifice in two. Wondering now how to fit that little nasty into the great scheme of things.

But, I hear you cry, isn’t Teleos all about the different coloured tribes and the child-trade meeting? Why, yes it is, gentle reader, but there’s one tribe that is isolated from the rest and the characters – the Argrath, no less – must traverse their domain in their quest for a fabled treasure.

So this is one scenario that Narrators who enjoy being really mean to their players will thoroughly enjoy. Even if the players don’t.

Back to work. I’ve just thought of some more unpleasantness to include…

September sees the Whitaker Clan moving house from our bijou woodland residence to a much larger woodland residence.

As we’re tight-fisted we’ve taken on the moving task ourselves, which whilst cheap (and means our stuff won’t end-up in Singapore, like the last time), is bloody hard work. So far I’ve managed to shift:

3 sofas
2 tables + chairs
5 bookcases
4 desks
22 cases of books
3 beds
1 snowblower
1 canoe

And a partridge in a pear tree.

I’m still faced with another bookcase (big one), another couple of cases of books, kitchen equipment, a huge tent/garage and 250 feet of chainlink fencing. Who’s bloody stupid idea was it move? Oh, that would be me.

On the plus side, the landlord of our new property (renting again, as Canadian house prices continue to fall) has left behind ‘Monty’, which is a six-wheeled amphibious ATV identical to those buggies the Banana Splits used to hurtle around in. It lacks Snork’s trunk, ears and shades, but it hideously good fun to drive around in. I asked the landlord what its like in the snow. ‘Oh, even more fun’, he said. ‘Because you put the tracks on it.’ So it even turns into a tank. Kewl.

All this moving means work on Harrek and RQ has ground to a halt but, by the end of next week, I should be in a position to resume normal service.

Back to the packing for me…

Now that the excitement surrounding the launch of The Design Mechanism and RuneQuest 6th ed has died down, I’ve been able to return to Harrek Saga.

The scenario I’m nearing completion of concerns what happens when Harrek decides to invade Teshnos. The best way I can think of describing this particular chapter is ‘Conan Meets 300 at the Siege of Troy Whilst Led Zeppelin play The Immigrant Song from the battlements with amps turned up to 11′.

And it has elephants. Lots of elephants.

Should be good, clean, wholesome carnage for All the Family.

Its with great pleasure and excitement that I’m able to announce that The Design Mechanism, the new company formed by myself and Pete Nash, has successfully reached an agreement with Issaries Inc to become the new licensee for RuneQuest. The full Press Release can be found on the RuneQuest page at www.thedesignmechanism.com along with a detailed Q&A sheet for those who want to know more about what we have in store for RQ.

Greg Stafford, Issaries President, had this to say on the agreement: “RuneQuest is an old, highly respected brand that requires creativity, dedication and knowledge of the product. I know that Loz and Pete have that, plus enthusiasm and professionalism that will keep up the reputation and good name. I am pleased.”

Clearly its early days for both Design Mechanism and RuneQuest’s 6th edition but we have exciting plans for the game building on the work Pete and I have already done with Mongoose’s RuneQuest II and we look forward to sharing them with the roleplaying community as we develop the new rules.

Lawrence

I hope Julia Rawcliffe forgives me the pun, but in describing Eternal Con, this is quite apt. It was, quite simply, a hilarious experience from end to end.

First there was the Thursday afternoon/evening get-together of the Early Birds; those dedicated souls who decide to get a head-start on the hedonism and congregate the night before to get the party started. About 20 of is invaded sleepy Bacharach, drank a prodigious quantity of excellent German beer, and then went in search of more to take to the patio of the Early Bird HQ guest house. This involved buying the entire contents of the local Kebap Haus’s fridge, much to the bemused owner’s delight and financial gratification.

We drank into the wee, small hours. Poor old Almost Evil Ed suffered somewhat from an unknown complaint that was to claim the health of me, Jeff, and a few others across the weekend, but, as True Heroes, we battled on and became more hedonistic.

Friday saw the invasion move from Bacharach to Burg Stahleck. Several true heroes walked the Walk of Heroes whilst several lesser models chose to be chauffered by Jeff and Claudia in the Finnmobile. J&C are, obviously, exempt from the Lesser Model status, as looking after Finn is, in itself, a HeroQuest, but… well, you know who you are. We True Hill Walking heroes lost valuable shoe-leather and became a more devout band because of it. So Ya Boo Sucks.

As Friday afternoon wore into Friday evening, much Beerus Germanicus was consumed in true, Hill Walking Hero style. Old friends (some of them Hill Walking Heroes) arrived and the Tribe reconvened. The Opening Ceremony was an exercise in brain-devouring humour which, courtesy of Johan, Charlotte and Eini, was very well delivered and received. From there we went to drinking and… well… things escalated from there.

There was, for instance, Elemental Wars, hosted by me, Pittel and Johan. We’ve done this gig before and always had a wonderful time, but never on this scale. For example, we’ve never had such a fickle panel of Grey Maidens before (take a bow, Suzie, Kiki and Aliscia), or an Attractive Score Keeper who chose to record the bleeding scores in Persian (I shit ye not), or Male Nudity (he shall remain unnamed, because I fear Tressy’s wrath), or Johan in a dress. But, needless to say, the forces of Global Warming, Fiscal Crisis. Facebook and Paris Hilton were defeated in incredibly entertaining styles and I laughed my arse off, thus claiming the first of the stitches referred to in this miserable blog’s title.

I think most people broke the 3 o’clock rule. Tough.

Saturday had me start the morning in sun glasses which, whilst obviously betraying my Game-God Rock-Star nature were actually hiding a pair of eyes that felt like they’d be soaked in Beerus Germanicus for a few months (they had). However, I recovered enough to thoroughly enjoy, and be moved by, Tressy’s Blessing for Finn. This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I felt privileged to be a part of it. It was a joy to see a happy, blond, 2 year old boy be so entranced by bubbles and the chance to dig for buried treasure whilst the Rhineland Goddesses brought their fair winds to watch over him. Tressy was wondrous and the ceremony genuinely moving. A memory I shall treasure and I’m sure Jeff, Claudia and their families will too.

Post Blessing meant prepping for ‘Injustice Syndicate’. This was one of several freeforms running at Eternal Con, and it was the first. Now, I’m not a natural freeformer, but when Jeff let’s me channel Heath Ledger to play The Joker, wild horses wouldn’t keep me away. So, along with my dormitory mates of Lewis (Evil Spock), Nick (Doctor Victor von Doom), Charlotte (Harley Quinn – soon to be Mrs Joker), Rick (Kneel Before Zod) and Franzeska (Cruella de Ville), the transformation began. Y’know, there’s something weird when you have four people crammed into a bathroom caking-on facepaint. One (he shall remain nameless, but might have played a Star Trek character) applied his makeup daintily with one of those incredibly arty little brushes you just know Hair and Makeup people on film sets use); the other two applied it to each other (equally daintily, with similar brushes), and I just slapped the stuff onto my face in a haphazard fashion, hoping I’d resemble something approaching Heath Ledger icon status.

The end result reduced children to tears. No, really, it did. Four of them. One of them actually had to hide behind his father’s legs when he saw me coming in full makeup and costume. The poor visitor’s to Stahleck that day must’ve wondered what had bloody descended.

The freeform was A BLAST. Elevator Pitch for it: Lots of Fictional Arch Villains Get Together To Screw Each Other Over and Rule the World. It rarely gets better than this. Playing the Joker I found myself immediately harnessed to Harley Quinn, played by Charlotte, and thus in the fortunate position of having a willing, devoted, mute, companion to go out and cause mayhem.

I concerned myself with securing the arch-nemesis status of Batman’s chief adversary only to be foiled by Count-Bloody-Duckula (Almost Evil Ed). Duck a-l’orange was swiftly on the menu. Fortunately I managed to strike a cunning deal with Duckula, Cruella and Harley to become Batman’s arch-nemesis and so pledged life-long (the life in question being Duckula’s, not mine) friendship with Duckula and selling my soul to Cruella. Harley, of course, was only too overjoyed (I swear I saw little tears of happiness) to assist me, and so I faced-off against Batman. And got my arse kicked.

From there, I escaped from Arkham Asylum, was reunited in jubilant fashion with my beloved Harley, found that the scheming Poison Ivy was attempting to seduce her away from me (my suggestion to marry both of them resulted in death-threats) and my betrothal to Ms Quinn. Want the definition of crazy-shit? A clown-faced psychopath being wedded to a mute-mime, with Batman as the Best Man, Count Duckula giving away the bride, the wedding conducted by The Master, and the wedding cake booby trapped by both Norman Osborne (aka the Green Goblin) AND the Joker and Doctor Doofenschmirtz. The weeding was, literally, a blast. The happy couple escaped, kicked Batman’s ass, and had their honeymoon in the Batcave. Harley killed all the bats and I gave Duckula all the kryptonite.

To cut a long story short-ish, this was the funniest freeform I’ve played in. It was fast, funny, had brilliant costumes, great plots and a superb bunch of players and GMs. Jeff is to be congratulated once again on producing the Most Fun You Can Have In Six Inches of Makeup and I await the next of his freeforms in which I can play the Joker (hell, I bought the costume…).

Are we still on Saturday? Fraid so. Saturday evening was consumed by the obligatory ‘I’ll run something quick’ by Simon Bray. Jeff, Claudia, Bazz, Dogboy, Neil, Johan, Colin, Dave S and Rick joined in, and, in the space of around 4 hours, developed laughter hernias. Now, myself, Simon and Colin are used to the kind of puerile humour roleplaying games we come out with on occasions like this, but I’m not sure about some of the others (Dogboy excepted). What happened was roughly this…

Simon wanted to run Post Apocalypse; Claudia wanted something on a spaceship. Claudia won.

We all created bloody stupid characters: Chuck Norris; Bruce Campbell’s Chin; Abe Feroda; A Dolphin in a Walker Suit; Bender the Bending Unit; Hank Venture; Dolph Blue, Spectrum Agent; The Producer; and Britney Spears (with Fluffy the Poodle). The scene: frozen for thousands of years in cryogenic pods our heroes (ha!) are released by Dolphin and Bender to find they’re on a spaceship controlled by the Dolphin and the Bender with rapidly increasing radiation levels. Oh, and under siege by Martians that looked like mobile scrotums. We then proceeded to roleplay the most outrageous innuendoes, double entendres and bad jokes possible, inducing several hernias and possibly a divorce case. In the course of this complete mayhem we worked out that we were, in fact, on the film set of ‘Aaaaaaaaaargh II’ (tag line: It Was An Orgy of Testicles’) and that Colin’s character, the Dolphin, was really a CGI effect with Andy Serkis as stand-in. We climbed/fell/got shotgunned down a ventilation shaft; we landed in goo; Chuck ‘The Norris’ Norris ended-up with Britney in one arm and Hank Venture, sans-pants in the other; and Dolph Blue, Spectrum Agent became paranoid beyond compare. Then the frigging martians attacked. Bruce Campbell, now reunited with his chin, was anally probed by a soul-sucking tentacle; Hank used all his pantless charm to ‘Impress Theee Laydeeeez’, and Britney Spears got dropped in goo (but thankfully her fluffy poodle remained dry). Kudos goes to Claudia for providing the one description of her character’s apparel (i shan’t repeat it here: this is a Family Blog) that resulted in more filth, smut, innuendo and childish belly-laughing than I’ve ever see in a roleplaying game. And this includes the many Danny Bourne’s been a part of.

Now, if we’d ruptured various organs over Britney Spears and her dry fluffy poodle, it all went to hell-in-a-hand-cart when Bender reminded Chuck ‘The Norris’ Norris that he was, actually, third fiddle to none other than the Immortal John ‘Enter the Dragon’ Saxon and had had his arse mortally whopped in said film. I mean forget Bruce Lee, The Norris didn’t even go down to the main hero; he went down to a Supporting Role. Well, concuss me with planks. For The Norris that was the final straw. His will broken (and his ankle broken too, after delivering a round-house kick to the Bender’s Shiny Metal Ass), it was left to Hank ‘Gee, What Would Brock Samson Do’ Venture to save the day. I can’t remember how, or if he actually, did, but we all got flushed down the toilet. Apart from Britney. I think. I can’t remember; I was laughing too hard.

I have deliberately omitted the obligatory porn scene between Fluffy the Poodle and a desiccated dolphin – and believe me, I’m doing you a favour (it will be in the Director’s Cut), but this was, hands down, the funniest roleplaying scenario I’ve ever participated in, and kudos to Simon for sticking with it, and the rest of the players for diving-deep into the smut bucket to provide the best group entertainment one can possibly get with a few pencils and a D20.

Thus closes Saturday. You know what? Its late and you’ll just have to wait for Sunday.

Oh, and forgibe the spelling erorrs. Ive Had a Gladd of Wine.

Most, if not all, the Moon Design crew are now on their way to, or getting ready to go to, Eternal Con.

I fly out from Toronto Pearson at stupid o’clock (11pm) tomorrow night, landing in Frankfurt around 1pm local time. This is Air Transat we’re talking about, so cramped leg-room, no doubt, although last time I flew Air Transat the food was half-way decent.

Still, its worth the discomfort to get to Bacharach. I’m looking forward to seeing people I haven’t seen for three years, to drinking some decent German beer, playing some games and generally relaxing.

Weather forecasts for over the weekend are somewhat mixed: mild with high chances of some showers, although sun predicted for Sunday. I’d normally groan, but its been sweltering here in Toronto recently so I’ll be glad of some more sane temperatures. Also, I’ll be spending much of Saturday in a wig, three-piece suit and full make-up, so heat would not be good.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing lots of you at Eternal Con. I’ll be shipping into the village on the train probably accompanied by Messrs Meints, Scott, Cooper and other reprobates landing at Frankfurt around the same time.

See you all soon!

So, last night, my son and heir says: “Dad, I need to get my costume for the school’s revue.”

“Sure son,” I say, beaming, “when’s the revue?”

“Friday.”

This is Wednesday evening, circa 9pm, and he has to have said costume at school for 8.30am Friday. Thursday evening’s out for shopping as he has soccer practice. This leaves me with lunchtime today.

So I’ve just trudged half the bleeding length of Yonge Street (officially the longest street, like, EVAR) in search of a fancy dress shop. Its hot out, my feet ache, but I am now the proud owner of a mullett wig and the loudest, scariest shirt I could lay my hands on.

Kids, eh?